_Life

Undersubscribed A high school student whose grades were lows was looking for a undersubscribed university. One day, he fell asleep while studying. In his dream, the goddess of wishes appeared to him and asked him, "Do you want to go to heaven or hell?" Then the student said while half asleep, "Which one is undersubscribed?" 미달이면 돼 고3학생이 성적이 안 좋아 미달되는 대학교를 찾고 있었다. 하루는 공부를 하는 둥 마는 둥 하다 잠이 들었는데, 꿈에 소원의 여신이 나타나 물었다. "너는 천국에 가고 싶으냐, 지옥에 가고 싶으냐?" 그러자 학생이 잠결에 말했다. 천국과 지옥중에 어디가 미달이에요?"

One March day my wife said that the house needed painting. "It's still winter," I replied. "Forget it." In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint. In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked. "How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?" Glancing up at my wife, I responded, "She doesn't like beer." 어느 3월에 아내는 집에 페이트칠을 해야겠다고 말했다. 나는 "아직 겨울이야, 잊어버려." 라고 대답했다. 4월이 되자 아내는 외부용 라텍스 페인트를 샀다고 나에게 말했다. 나는 여전히 추워서 페인트 칠은 안된다고 말했다. 5월이 되자 어느날 아내가 바깥에서 도와달라고 소리치는 걸 들었다. 그래서 우리들은 아내가 페인트칠을 할 수 있도록 사다리를 설치했다, 그리곤 나는 맥주를 가지러 안으로 들어갔다. 나는 아내가 일하고 있는 곳에서 멀지 않는 곳에 접이식 의자를 놓고 앉아 있을 때 이웃에 사는 여자분이 지나가다...

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?" The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!" One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says ...

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150. 개 한마리가 정육점에 뛰어들어 카운터에서 로스트 비프 한덩이를 물고갔다. 다행히 정육점 주인은 그 개가 이웃집 개라는 걸 알았다. 그 이웃은 변호사였다. 도둑질에 화가 난 정육점 주인은 그 이웃에 전화를 걸고 말했다, "보세요, 만약 당신집 개가 제 정육점에서 로스트 비프를 훔쳤다면, 당신은 그 고기가격을 물어줄 책임이 있죠?" 변호사가 대답했다, "물론입니다, 그 로스트 비프 가격이 얼마입니까?" "$7.98 입니다." 며칠후 그 정육점 주인은 우편으로 $7.98의 수표를 받았다. 그런데 거기에는 이렇게 적힌 청구서가 붙어 있었다: 법률 상담료: $150.

[Humor] A astrologer A medieval Jewish astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and commanded him: "Prophesy, tell me when you will die!" The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later." 중세의 한 유대인 점성가가 왕에게 왕이 사랑하는 여자가 곧 죽을거라고 예언했다. 아니나 다를까 그 여자는 얼마후 죽어버렸다. 왕은 그 점성가의 예언이 그녀의 죽음을 가져왔다고 단정하고 그 점성가에게 화를 냈다. 왕은 그 점성가를 소환하여 명령했다. "예언해봐, 너는 언제 죽을 지 말해봐!" 점성가는 자기가 무슨 대답을 하더라도 왕이 곧 자기를 죽이려고 계획하고 있다는 걸 간파했다. 드디어 그가 대답했다. "저는 제가 언제 죽을지는 모릅니다. 다만 제가 언제 죽든 임금님께선 제가 죽은 사흘 뒤에 돌아가신다는 건 알고 있습니다."

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba. Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobod...

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother." 8살 난 샐리가 학교에서 성적표를 받아왔다. 샐리의 성적은 좋았다, 대부분이 A점이고 B점이 2개였다. 그러나 담임 선생은 아래쪽에다 이렇게 써 놓았다: "샐리는 똑똑한 아이 이지만 한가지 결점이 있습니다. 샐리는 학교에서 말이 너무 많습니다. 제가 시도해 보고 싶은 아이디어가 있는데, 이 아이디어가 샐리의 버릇을 고칠 수 있을 것으로 생각합니다." 샐리의 아버지는 그 성적표에 싸인을 하고 뒤에다 다음과 같은 내용의 쪽지를 달아 놓았다 : "만약 선생님의 아이디어가 샐리에게 효과가 있으면 제발 저에게 알려주십시오, 제가 샐리의 엄마에게도 그 아이디어를 시도해보고 싶으니까요."

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger. One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!" 동네 코너 마켓에 자주 나타나는 '자니'라고 부르는 꼬마 소년이 있었다. 마켓 주인은 자니에게 무슨 문제가 있는지 ...

A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is e...

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. all the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit! Moral of the story: you don't need brains to ...

A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward." 어떤 숙녀가 휴일 쇼핑 북새통에서 핸드백을 떨어뜨렸다. 한 정직한 어린 소년이 그녀가 핸드백을 떨어뜨리는 것을 보고 그것을 주워 그녀에게 돌려주었다. 그 숙녀는 핸드백 안을 들여다보고 말했다, "흠... 재미있군. 내가 핸드백을 잃어버렸을때는 그 안에 20달러짜리 지폐1장이 들어 있었어. 지금은 1달러짜 리 지폐가 20장 들어 있구나." 소년이 재빨리 대답했다, "그렇습니다, 아주머니. 지난번 제가 지갑을 주웠을땐, 지갑 주인이 저에게 상으로 줄 잔돈을 한푼도 가지고 있지 않았거든요."

A black guy and a white man were sitting in the park. The white man had a pet monkey and a black guy was selling bananas. So the black guy said "Mr. can you look after my bananas I am going to the toilet". "Oh yes go on ahead" said the white guy. When the black guy came back there were no more bananas and he is like, "where are my bananas?" The white guy said, "ask your brother", pointing at his monkey. The black guy just chilled. Then the white guy said, "can you check out for your brother I am going to the toilet". The black guy said, "its cool". When the white guy came back the monkey was dead and he is furious like what happened to my monkey! The black dude said, "Mr. don't get involved it was a family affair!" *** 어떤 흑인과 백인이 공원에 앉아있었다. 백인은 애완용 원숭이를 갖고 있었고 흑인은 바나나를 팔고 있었다. 흑인이 말했다, "저기. 화장실 갔다 올테니 내 바나나 좀 봐 줘." "그래, 갔다와." 라고 백인이 말했다. 흑인이 돌아 와서 보니 바나나가 없어졌다. 그래서 말했...

The preacher was most annoyed to find an elderly man falling asleep during his sermon every Sunday. So, after service one day, he said to little Juan accompaning him, "If you can keep your grandfather awake, I'll pay you a quarter." This worked for two weeks; the aged man was kept awake and listened to the sermons very attentively. On the third Sunday, however, the preacher observed that the old man had falled asleep again. After the Mass, he called Juan and said, "I am very angry with you. Didn't I promise you a quarter a week to keep your grandfather awake?" "Yes," replied the boy, "but grandpa gives me a dollar not to disturb him." 목사가 일요일마다 자기가 설교하는 동안 한 노인이 잠을 자고 있는걸 발견하고 매우 기분이 나빴다. 그래서 어느날 예배후 그는 노인과 같이 온 리틀 후안에게 말했다. "만약 네가 할아버지가 주무시지 않도록 할 수 있다면, 너에게 25센트를 주마." 이렇게 하니 2주동안 효과가 있었다. 노인은 줄곧 깨어있으면서 열심히 설교를 들었다. 하지만, 세번째 일요일에 목사는 그 노인이 다시 잠에 떨어진 것을 목격했다. 미사가 끝난후, 그는 후안을 불러 말했다, "너에게 아주 실망했다. 내가 너에게 매...

A Norwegian was about to be a father for the first time. This was during the soccer World Cup. His friend visited him and asked him, what if your wife is having the baby the same day we play Brazil in the quarter final? The guy said, don`t worry, I just bought a VCR, I can watch the birth after the game! 어떤 노르웨이 남자가 곧 처음으로 아빠가 될 예정이었다. 이 이야기는 축구월드컵때의 일이다. 이 남자의 친구가 그를 방문해서 그에게 물었다, "준준결승전에서 브라질과 경기하는 날에 자네 아내가 애기를 낳으면 어떻게 하겠어?" 이 남자가 말했다, "걱정마, 내가 비디오를 한대 샀어, 게임이 끝난후에 애기 낳는 장면을 보면 돼!"

A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss the possibility of buying a motorcycle. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the motorcycle." Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the motorcycle. Again they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed seeing as you haven't got your hair cut." The young man paused a moment and then said, "You kn...

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours." 어떤 농부가 비료를 싣고 도로를 따라 운전하고 있었다. 한 꼬마 소년이 자기 집앞에서 놀고 있다가 그 농부를 보고 소리쳤다, "아저씨 트럭에 뭘 실었어요?" "비료야." 하고 농부가 대답했다. "비료 가지고 뭘 하시는 데요?" 하고 꼬마가 물었다. 농부가 대답했다, "딸기에 그걸 뿌릴거란다." 꼬마가 충고했다, "아저씨, 우리동네에 살아 보세요, 우리는 딸기에 설탕과 크림을 뿌려요."

Creditor An American couple is flying to New Zealand for a two-week vacation to celebrate their anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I have very bad news. Our engines have ceased to function and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an island below us we should be able to land on the beach. However, we may never be rescued.” Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely. An hour later, the man turns to his wife and asks, “Did we pay our credit cards?” “No, I forgot to do that.” Then the man grabs her and gives her a big kiss. “They’ll find us!” 빚쟁이 미국인 부부가 결혼기념일을 축하는 2주일간의 휴가를 위해 뉴질랜드로 비행하고 있다. 그런데 느닷없이 기장이 확성기를 통해 알리는 것이었다. “신사숙녀 여러분, 아주 좋지 않은 소식입니다. 엔진이 기능을 멈춰 비상 착류를 시도해야겠습니다. 다행히 아래에 섬이 하나 보이니 저 해변에 착륙하겠습니다. 하지만 우리가 구출되는 일은 없을지도 모릅니다.” 승무원들이 기량을 발휘한 덕에 비행기는 무사히 착륙했다. 한 시간쯤 지나자 남편은 아내에게 묻는 것이었다. “우리 신용카드 대금들 냈어요?” “아뇨, 그거 깜빡했네요.” 그러자 남편은 아내를 끌어안고 신나게 키스했다. “그 사람들 우리를 찾아낼 거요!”

Dorothy Parker Wikimedia Commons / PD US Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. - Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) 아름다움은 한 꺼풀 가죽에 불과하지만, 추함은 뼛속까지 파고 든다. - 도로시 파커 ( Dorothy Parker , 1893-1967) http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/beauty

As a beauty I am no star, There are others more handsome by far, But my face I don't mind it, Because I'm behind it, It's the people in front that I ajar. - Woodrow Wilson (1856~1924) 외모로 따지면 난 별로요, 나보다 잘 생긴 사람이 많잖아요, 그러나 내 얼굴이 어때서요. 이 얼굴 뒤에는 내가 있고. 내 앞에는 내 얼굴이 아니라, 우리 국민이 있습니다. - 우드로 윌슨 (Woodrow Wilson | Thomas Woodrow Wilson) 정치인

Ladies and gentlemen, if I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) 여러분, 제가 두 얼굴을 가졌다면 지금 이 얼굴을 갖고 나왔겠습니까? - 에이브러햄 링컨 (Abraham Lincoln, 1809-1865), 토론장에서 야당 인사가 자신을 거짓말쟁이, 두 얼굴을 가진 사람이라고 비난하자